My man and I went to a Tyrone Wells concert this weekend and one of his opening acts was this darling beauty, Emily Hearn. I’d never heard of her before – but, when she began singing, the rain we had run through, the tough week I’d had, the heaviness of my heart in that moment… all of it melted into her song, “Waking Up Again“:
It’s been so cold for so long now…
I don’t remember what the sun feels like.
We’re gettin’ old inside this house…
I don’t remember what the breeze feels like.
We gotta go… we gotta get back… gotta get our feet back on the ground.
We gotta go… we gotta get back… gotta get the spring back in our step again.
My heart. Right there in that dark theater, this sweet 24-year-old girl was singing my song. It didn’t matter that our souls are almost 20 years apart… what she was feeling that led to the song, and what I was feeling in my mommy skin. Sameness. Humanness. Connection.
The reason her song hit me so hard is because I’ve been feeling this for a while… this no-spring-in-my-step, chilly, getting old kinda feeling. Maybe it’s the weather. Maybe it’s my scattered nature. Maybe it’s the white hair I found the other day, or the fact my exercise pants are fitting wayyyyy tighter than they did a few months ago. But, whatever it is, it’s had me kinda uninspired on the inside. Not sad or depressed – just ‘keep your head down and keep pushing forward’ kinda uninspired. I’ve had writers block, we’ve been eating a ton of burritos, and – well, if I’m really honest, I’ve been walking around and around and around in a fog.
Fog walking is a seasonal thing for me. I go through periods where I’m walking a defined path towards a goal – getting things done, creating new things, dreaming big dreams… but then there are periods like this one I’ve been in: wake up, make food, wash laundry, clean house, get kids, make food, rinse, repeat. It’s two steps forward, three steps back – day in, day out.
But then something shakes me like Emily’s song did… and, all of a sudden, I’m reminded of what the real problem is: ME.
I. Am. The. Problem. I beckon the fog with my whoa-is-me attitude and my ‘if-only’ internal dialog.
It’s hard to admit, especially when it’s so easy to place the blame for my heavy spirit on the ‘if-only’: if only I didn’t have so much to do, so many people pulling at me, so many obligations. If only my kids would listen better… if only I had more help… if only I wasn’t overlooked… if only we had more space… if only… if only… if only.
‘If only’ seems so safe and secure when it first steps in – but soon, the ‘if only’ thoughts have me bound up, beaten up, and broken into bits.
Thinking through all of this I remembered something Jesus said in one of his sermons: “Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eyes are healthy, your whole body also is full of light. But when they are unhealthy, your body also is full of darkness.”
Oh man, how convicting! When I dwell where I should – in Truth, beauty, loveliness, goodness, thankfulness – I feel lit up; I’m happy, ready to serve, not easily offended, and other-focued. But, when I choose to dwell where I shouldn’t – in self-centeredness and selfish thoughts about what I need, I want, I deserve – the darkness and the fog closes in… just like Jesus said would be the case.
I’m sharing this with you today because maybe you need to see you’re not the only one that feels like you’re in a fog… and maybe you need to hear the Truth I’ve heard: where I am is a result of my choices. If and when we choose Light – we will be filled with Light and be light; if and when we choose fog – the fog will gladly close in around us and strangle our joy in the darkness.
So, let’s choose to see Light and be freed from the darkness of the fog, okay? Let’s wake up again – right now, right here, right where we stand. Let’s wake up to His goodness… and let’s get the spring back in our steps and bask in the warmth of the His Light.